Why do I care so much?
Why do I care that my apartmentmates stay together when they are so indifferent, when it does not matter to them if we split up after having lived together for 2 years?
Why is it that I give my heart out so genuinely, so innocently, when others don’t do the same for me in return?
Why, if we’re friends, do we value each other on such different levels?
Why do I still care so much, when I know that the more I care, the more I am disappointed, the more I am hurt?
This picture should have more then the amounts of notes it has, this shows us that not ever thing is “picture perfect” and that behind that smile and those eyes there is fear . So i beg you to please reblog this instead of a pair of shoes, someone smoking a blunt, and clothes … because this picture is literally worth 1,000 words their faces… after I looked at the second picture they looked completely different.
(via allyfit)
Source: amilli0nswedishfish
Darn it. darn it. i don’t know, i think i like him. in between a friend, and something more. but, the girl, who he is close with, likes him. she’s in quite a ways different from me. does he like her? if they end up together, he won’t be my close friend anymore or spend as much time with me anymore. sigh. that makes me sad. because i like him a lot.
other fish…
-the other trout (A)
-the halibut (E)
-the seabass (G)
-the catfish (B)
i want to think that perhaps that there are other ongoings in your life that are keeping you busy. maybe you are tired. maybe you are just not that interested in my life.
regardless of your reasons, that was not how you speak with a friend who purposely contacted you to see if she could meet with you for the only 2 days she is back in sf for 6 months (for winter break til summer). at the very least, you could have seemed interested, and saved the judgmental tone that did nothing but upset the both of us to yourself. furthermore, i do not ‘trip.’ i do not even use the word myself. saying ‘don’t trip’ to me is basically telling me that you know i would take offense that the things that you say (yet you say it anyways), but there’s no need to explain myself because you do not care for discussion.
so clearly i am upset. i thought not to do this, because i’m just releasing my frustration here, but i’m doing it anyways. you have no right to use that judgmental tone with me when you do not even seem interested in hearing about my ongoings, when you do not know what goes on in my family. when i said that there’s more, other reasons, you tell me ‘not to trip,’ so how can i possibly have the energy and patience to tell you that yes, i am fortunate, but i am not spoiled?
i realize i don’t need to say this, because doing so will not do anything but relieve my frustration.
yes, i am fortunate, but i am not spoiled. you do not know what goes on in my family to use that kind of judgmental tone. Especially, with a friend who purposely contacts you to let you know she’s in the area, because otherwise you would not see her for the 6-7 months post the last hangout. you do not know the relationship i have with my uncle or the issues that have been going on that led to this decision, which on the surface seems impulsive. those reasons i gave you were answers to your question as to why i would like one for myself, not all conditions that set this decision into motion. you do not know how long we have talked about this.
and even so, since you agree that your opinion would have no effect on the matter, why would you say what you did in such a tone? why is that necessary when we haven’t talked in so long? why, when i have waited for your call, only to receive a text saying ‘wished you couldve joined us?’ this time, i took the initiative to contact you first to let you know about the ongoings of my life, thinking it would be nice to see you during the only 2 days im in sf for the 6months from winter break til summer, and you call me 2 days later. i want to share the news that has been of concern to me, even in the midst of finals, and you seem less than interested to speak with me.
and what the heck does ‘trip’ mean anyways?
I keep learning that I cannot expect too much from other, that I cannot rely on others, otherwise I will just get disappointed. Why do people not treat me the way that I treat them? Is this not a simple and basic lesson we all learn in elementary school? Treat others the way you want to be treated.
I just hate the world right now. How can she so blatantly ignore me, when I was so clearly worried and well aware that she was in her room? Then look me in the eye and lie? And I believed her. I believed her and offered to help with her art project. I can care so much and be so considerate, and not get the same in return. I can ‘get used to it,’ but ‘getting used to it’ means that you do not care enough, for your friend’s actions do not affect you. How can I be so gullible, to trust everything that my friends say, without question or doubt? I learned to not rely or trust anyone, but myself, too much and I keep doing just that, only to be disappointed again and again.
I hate hormonal changes. Recently, I have only wanted sweets: chocolate, waffles, yogurt, cakes, sweets! I believe that this is due to hormonal changes.
Not only is my appetite uncontrollable, but so is my mood. I just feel unattractive and pointless, overall miserable, and so stupid.
Or maybe it is not just the fault of my hormones. I was thinking to study with a friend for our Physics quiz Thursday night. But my apartmentmate usually has her friends over for dinner after class. Knowing this, I text her, asking when they would be over and when at noon. She does not respond, and I ask her directly after work at 6pm. She tells me she will check. Can I say that I am slightly disappointed in her answer? Surely, studying should take precedence over a weekly gathering with laughter that rocks the apartment. Why does she not say she can reschedule? That she understands and we should use the living room?
But in the end, my friend and I decided to study alone. And my apartmentmate did not have her friends over.
Right now, my other apartmentmate has her friend over studying. I was asleep, but awoke to their chatter. 2-3 hours later her friend is still here. She never said anything about people coming over, because it is her house. Why had I asked if it was ok? It is my house just as much as it is hers. But, because it is my home, like at home, I tell my family when my friends will be coming over.
I blame my mood on my hormonal changes, because apartmentmate #3, who has been in the living room since morning, seems unaffected.
I am a good person. I think of others. I try to understand things from their point of view and feel compassion and understanding. Why do people not give me the same type of consideration and thought? Would it be presumptuous and selfish to say I think I deserve more?
